First Attempt at Creative Non fiction; Title: Definition of Success

Life, some would call it a game… Doesn’t it seem that way? You think you’re finally going to win, and then just like that you fall back, get knocked down, and lose. Well I for one, have been the one in last place; the one that feels so lost, out of place, and broken. So when you are that person remember this: you are never in last place, until you give up.

My younger sister posted that a few weeks ago on Facebook as her status. But isn’t that the truth? You can’t truly lose at anything until you give up. Giving up, for me, has never been an option. There have been times where I have wanted to give up; I felt that I was failing at everything I tried to accomplish, and that I was never going to be good enough for anyone. I realized though, that you can’t give up and hope to accomplish something good. It just doesn’t happen that way. In the years I have been alive, I have felt “lost, out of place, and broken”.  I have had to endure hardships just like any other person, but my hardships always seemed worse than everyone else’s. …

I don’t think these feelings we get are genetic. I think that everyone goes through those same feeling of being in last place, at some time in their life. Most oftentimes when I’ve felt this way, it was because something in my life just wasn’t working (and I imagine it was the same for my sister). I always seemed to feel bad about myself, that I wasn’t good enough for anybody, especially my grandparents, who adopted me, and that no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough or to their (or anyone else’s for that matter) expectations.

“Congratulations, you have been selected to be a recipient of the Dell Scholarship.” The Dell Scholarship: an opportunity for every individual to succeed. They look not at the need for money, but at the individual and the person they want to become. “It starts with you… you control your life…You can succeed”.

A once in a lifetime chance, changed my entire future. If not for this scholarship (and for my teacher’s persistence for me to apply), I wasn’t able to go to a 4 year college; I wasn’t able to make something of myself. By Going to college I could prove that I could do something with my life, and that my past wasn’t going to reflect the person I would become in the future.  This scholarship granted me $20,000 for a 4 year school, and included a brand new laptop w/ printer, and money for my school books.

My grandparents always had this idea in their heads’ that I and my sister were going to be just like our parents. This idea, however, was highly opinionated and not worthy of understanding. It was unreal to think that my grandpa could even say, basically, that it didn’t matter what we did in life, we were going to end up like our parents. What did they think; that because our parents, at the time, were unable to take care of us, that they were never going to change? I couldn’t even grasp such a concept.

“Hi, this is Chandra, can I please talk to my girls. I have respected your wishes and stayed away, and now I would just like to talk to them. Can I please have that chance?”.

“Hang on, you will have to talk to Dale”, I heard grandma say, as she took the phone to grandpa.

“Hello”

“Hello Dale. It’s Chandra. I was calling to see if I could have your permission to talk to Shannon please.”

“I don’t give a damn who Shannon talks to. She’s 18 years old; she can talk to whoever the hell she wants. (He now gets off the phone, and grandma takes the phone to my room).

“Shannon, telephone”, my grandma said, as she handed me the phone.

“Hello”

“Hello Shannon, it’s your mom”

“Yeah…Hi.” I answered, stunned as to why she would be calling me now.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe this…” my mom said, hysterically. “How are you?”

“I’m Good.”

“I love you and think about you every day. I was calling to see if we could maybe get together for lunch or something sometime. I could leave you my number so you can call me if you want to, and when you are ready we could do something together”.

“Um I’m not sure. I am leaving for college in a few days. Maybe you can give me your email?”

“I won’t be near a computer for a few days” she said, sounding disappointed.”But I will look forward to getting your message when I return”.

“I need to get settled in at my dorm, but once I’m settled in, I will email you.”

“Ok, I hope to hear from you soon baby.” And we hung up our phones.

I was angry with my grandma for handing me that phone, not really giving me a choice of talking to my mother or not. Looking back, I don’t regret talking to her. I hadn’t talked to her since I was 8 years old, and ten years after, I finally got to do that, because I was an adult and could make my own choices. At least, that’s what my grandparents always told me. That it was my choice to let my parents back into my life. Somehow though, I could feel their jealousy or bitterness toward her (my mom) as I continued to make contact with my mother after I left for college.

It will have been three years since I began talking to and letting my mom back into my life. We are making up for all those years that she wasn’t in my life, and wasn’t able to be there. Although I don’t need help growing up, I still need my mother. Although I don’t need help doing the things I once did when I was young, I still need her opinion and advice on matters of life. And now, I am able to talk to her about anything; she is there for me, and I never have to feel like I’m ever going to lose her again. We may have ten years to make up for, but we have a lifetime of memories to make.

My mom had changed. She was no longer the person she was all those years ago. It was a change for the better. She realized that she had to change, in order to get us (my sister and I) back in her life. There was a hole in her heart (and mine), but now, that hole is gone. She no longer had to prove to my grandparents that she was a mom who changed her life, to get her girls back. She didn’t have to prove to anyone, as far as that goes, that she made a difference in her life so that she could gain the everlasting friendships that reside between a mother and her daughters. I definitely wasn’t looking for proof that she had changed. I could see it, even between the emails and short visits. I didn’t need for her to prove herself or anything else to me. That wasn’t what I was looking for. The past is the past, and as I’ve told my grandparents many times before, “people can change. It may take awhile, but they can change.”

 

Shannon. Jerry is in the hospital. Steven beat him with a baseball bat and he is in ICU. Grandpa just found out. (Steven was my dad’s step son.)

Is he ok? What happened?

All I know is that he is in ICU. The Dr.’s don’t know if he will survive. He was hit really hard.

(My hands are shaking. I can’t think straight. That’s my dad. I haven’t talked to him in 6 years. )

Shannon... Are you ok? Are you going to the hospital? We are already on our way. I told grandpa I wanted to see him, and he said that it was my choice.

Ya. I think I’m going to go.

It was May 24, 2010. I was supposed to make dinner at my boyfriend’s house. But the texts from my sister caught me off guard. I hadn’t seen my dad since I was 14; it was Halloween, and we went trick or treating. We had talked briefly in times since that but the relationship between us, like it had been with my mom, was broken. If my dad were to die, I needed to make things better between us. I wasn’t going to let him down.  I needed him… I had to go see him. He needed me there.

I spent every day next to his side, as he lay there in the hospital. He looked so helpless. He was helpless. The first day or so was rough. He couldn’t talk, or move really. I still have the pictures saved on my phone of the damage that was done to his face. He wasn’t even recognizable. I remember just looking at him as he slept; and thinking to myself “that’s my dad… and I can’t even tell that it’s him.” I spent every moment I could with him. Most of the time, it seemed as if I was there by myself. Family and friends would come around for short visits. My sister and grandparents came by in the mornings.  But I made sure, that I was there in case he needed me, for anything.  

When he was moved out of ICU, I could tell he was getting better. He had fought it, and he was winning. He wasn’t in last place, even though he was broken, he made it through. Those days I spent in the hospital at my dad’s bedside, were life changing moments for me. Even though the circumstances of us getting back together were horrifying, from that moment, I had my dad back. And nothing was going to change that.

Having my dad back in my life means everything to me. I love to see how much he has changed, not only for me, but for himself. We are making up for lost times as well. I have my daddy back, and nobody is ever going to take him away from me again. Even though he is tired a lot, and is still recuperating from his injury, my dad is succeeding in being a dad. Today, and every day, I am proud of him for all that he has accomplished. He never gave up, even when he felt as if he was the one in last place, and for that I will forever be grateful.

I am so glad that I have my parents back in my life, its an amazing feeling! That was my Facebook status on February 8, 2011, to which I got many replies.

My sister replied: Me too!!!! I love my parentals hehe.

My mother replied: I love you both so much… I love all the things we do together and the closeness that we share... I am so blessed.

Lastly, my dad replied: and I am so glad that you and Natali are in my life!  Love you both more than words can ever say!

These statuses and comments may not have any significance to you, but believe me, throughout my life, living with my grandparents, and living up to their expectations, was a hard thing to do. Having people in my life, that love and care for me, and are proud of my accomplishments means more to me, than anything else in the world. I’ve worked hard and have dealt with a lot and I deserve recognition for sticking it out. Hearing the words “I love you” means a great deal to me, as my grandparents hardly ever say it. Hearing the words “I am proud of you” makes me only want to strive harder at the things that I accomplish. Success doesn’t have the same connotation to me, as it may to someone else. Success to me, is reaching out and striving for something, in which you accomplish; Whether it’s being a great daughter, a loving mom or dad, or even a little sister. Success to me, is believing that you can achieve anything, even when obstacles get put in your way. Success is having control over your life, doing what you want to do, in order to receive a better outcome in the future, and being happy with yourself for sticking it out- knowing that one day, you’re life will be so much better.